In The Beginning...

I was 24 and riding out a marriage to nowhere when I realized I was pregnant.  I remember thinking "maybe this will make it better."  It did, but not in the way I was thinking.  

I knew it was going to be special from the moment I felt that first flutter of movement.  As soon as she was out of the "oven", I knew I wanted another.  Eleven months later, I walked out the door with her to embark upon the path of single parenthood, to that "better".   

"Better" is not to say that it was easy.  I was a naive and young 26.  I went to high school in the 60s, which is to say that I did a lot of partying; had one year of college, at age 24; and had just started my first corporate job when I got pregnant.  I wanted to be a good mother and opted for the joint custody arrangement, shuffling back and forth every other day.  I left behind everything but an old Datsun, my clothing, a sewing machine, an old kitchen table with chairs, and a stereo.  I didn't want alimony, the traditional child support, or my share of the property.  Getting away was enough. 

My parents were a big help to me.  They would take my daughter for the weekend or week if I needed time for work or vacation.  I advanced quickly on my chosen career path and went back to college in my 30s, thanks to the help and support of a live-in boyfriend who for nine years was like a father to my daughter. 

I worked and mothered, day in, day out.  It was a joy.  I loved what I was doing on all counts, even when one or the other made me cry.  The other things I wanted to do, like travel, could wait.  My little girl wouldn't be little forever.  I was approaching 40 and didn't see another opportunity for more kids coming my way.  Hahaha!  I figured I might as well enjoy this one while I could.  I would travel later and do the "Shirley Valentine" thing.

My mother's piece of wisdom to me before she passed on - you give your children the best foundation you can. Teach them to be kind, compassionate, loving and caring.  Teach them to work hard, to do their best, to respect their elders and the opinions of others.  When they are ready to move on, let go.  Remember that the children you raise are not yours to keep and control, they are only with you so that you can teach them these things.  Give them a good foundation and they will come back to it.

So my daughter decided to leave at age 13.  I thought I would never get over the heartache, that I would never stop crying.  That's when my mother gave me those words of wisdom.  They come back to me whenever I feel the need to hold onto someone or something I need to let go.   I culled the lessons of non-attachment from those words. 

Thank you Mom.  I often share your words with others who want to know how I can love so deeply and still have the strength to graciously give others the space to move forward without me.

So I was alone at 40.  Well, not quite alone.  I had a new boyfriend, 17 years my junior, who was from Mexico.  We were going to travel together - a road trip across the country and then through Mexico and Central and South America.  We didn't make it, traveling or together.  I had to let him go also.  It was a difficult decision, but the right one.  But, I didn't make it out alone.

Four weeks later I realized I was pregnant.  That night I said goodbye - one last time, I remember thinking, then I'll walk out the door and never come back, never see him again.  I don't regret it.  It hasn't been easy; my parents aren't here to help me this time around.  And I was terrified!  Who has a second child, 20 years after the first, at age 45, as a single parent, with no family or other support system?  Me, I do, I did.  I even drove myself to the hospital and then home after my angel was born.  

Oh, I gave his father the opportunity to be involved.  But he wasn't interested.  So I have him all to myself.  Well, almost.  I've found my "village", my community of support.  I won't say I couldn't have done it without them, because I know I would have figured out a way.  Maybe I couldn't have done it as well without them.

Eleven years have passed.  My life has changed for the best since the day I first saw that little angel.  This is our story...